My Grandmother's Funeral

today Lala, Vincent & myself went to the funeral home for the wake of my Abuela. All last night I debated on going, even called Mommy in DR & told her that I wasn't going. She told me that the decision was mines & that she would understand. You see, this would be the first time I would be attending a funeral service without either of my parents. And to top it off, I NEVER go near the casket, always stay in the back of the room. My mother is to blame, as a child my favorite uncle passed away & she made me give him a kiss, touch his hand {which by the way were cold} & give him the bendicion {spanish blessing}. That incident really freaked me out & ever since then, I made it aware to family to leave me alone when we are @ these types of functions.

Lots of family & friends were there, you what I like about family gatherings {good/bad} are the people who remember you when you were young, yet you have no idea who they are. The expression on their face is priceless when you tell them that you have no idea who they are, yet you smile @ them & listen to all the stories they remember about you hoping that one of these stories will remind you of them. 9 out of 10 times, you don't.

Her nephew preached from the bible, people sang & some did the Rosary. It felt strange that she wasn't the one preaching & praying the Rosary. She's the one that everyone asked to lead in pray@ these types of functions. I wish she were here because I miss her so much already. I had this thing that I had to call her @ least once a week to see how she's doing. Then she would talk to Lala & preach a little to both of us. Not hearing her voice, seeing her smile, tell me my childhood stories, watch Lala grow & compare both of us & the most important thing to her--Lala's communion. She's a devoted Catholic, never missed a mass, always with her church group & going on their trips & ALWAYS with a Rosary in her pocket. God Bless Her.

Lala was so sad & all she kept saying was "I love her & miss her mommy". All I could manage was "i know baby". Told Lala not to worry because she was her guardian angel & she can talk to her whenever she wants in pray.

Teresa, thank you for giving me the strength to approach you tonight & not be scared. I will miss EVERYTHING about you; always loving, caring & accepting. You are my favorite person & always made that known to others. I thank God that Lala got the chance to know you & realize how beautiful & special you are. I know that you are safe and without a shadow of doubt are seated next to the Heavenly Father. I know you are happy & knowing that is what helps me get through all this. Love you forever & till we see each other again {no time soon though :-) } Bendicion Abuela.

Sadness: My Grandmother Passed Away

I'm mad, pissed, sad, angry, depressed, & every now & then happy. Only happy with a smile when I remember all the times I spent with my Abuela. The stories she always tells family & friends of me as a child. She's the one person who knew me, understood me & just let me be.

You had to meet her & right then & there you fall in love with her. Her hair is white like snow, skin so as a baby, very religious, a really good sense of humor, full of life, available when needed, & always with a smile on her face.

Things I cherish about her:
She always wore a hat & whenever she came over to visit I always ran to her with open arms & all, then take her hat & model it for her & whoever's around. She could rock any style hat & I admired her for her selection.

There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't remind me & everyone about what a cry-baby I was. Waking people up @ the airport, not letting my father sleep through the night, driving my mother up the wall with the crying. I could have been changed, fed, burped & bathe, still I chose to cry {as she puts it}. She's the one who had the most patience with me, no matter what, she was always there.

She's amazing with her kids, Lala loves her to death. Last week, when I went to see her Lala called my cell & wanted to know how her great-grandmother's doing. I told her that she's doing fine but she asked for her Abuela. They spoke on the phone for awhile & Lala told her that she loves her & was going to see her as soon as she was home because I promised.

Last year, my niece came up for a visit & my grandmother's birthday had just passed. I went & bought a cake for both of them. You had to see the look on her face when I told her to look @ the cake. She couldn't believe that I remembered her birthday. That was a beautiful day.

When I was down & out because I was having the worst time getting an interview or any temp work, I called her. We were on the phone for about an hour & we prayed together & she preached to me. BTW, their are only two people that I allow to preach to me. By the end of the conversation, she said she was going to pray a little more & but in a request with the Lord; then tomorrow she would say another pray @ church & light a candle for me. Whatever she said to the Lord, it worked because I got the job @ NYU. Muchas gracias Abuela.. Todo lo que you hago vas a se por ti, hoy y siempre.

This sucks-tomorrow is the funeral & on Thursday my Uncle will be taking her to DR for another funeral & her burial. My parents are already in DR, so they will be around for that one. I on the other hand am alone & don't know what to do. I called Mommy & told her that I didn't want to go tomorrow & she said that whatever I decided will be fine with her. I have never been to a wake without my parents & everyone knows that I don't go near the casket. My mother traumitzed me but that's another story. I know that I will hate myself later if I don't go but I don't know. I'll figure it out tomorrow but I think I'll go because I know I have to go.

The only question I have now is who's going to tell me my childhood stories with such joy?